Jimmy "The Goose" Richter: Well, Prince, we're finally here at the long-awaited Drake vs. Chris Brown cage match. I can't believe it! Let's take a look at how this came about.
Prince Larry: Well, Goose, it all started with a tweet Drake sent to Chris:
Jimmy: Them's fightin' words, Prince. Let's look at Chris' response:
Prince: And now the two hip-hop heavyweights will be facing-off inside a STEEL CAGE. And that's not all, this is an Abs vs. Eyebrows Match! If Chris wins, Drake will shave off his eyebrows. If Drake wins, Chris will have to wash off his fake abs! Someone's gonna get their wig split!
Drake emerges first. He's surrounded by an entourage including the entire cast of "Degrassi," his childhood rabbi (who is also his wrestling coach), and a seemingly bored Nicki Minaj.
Jimmy: Golly, Prince, just look at those brows! It's like a nest of furry caterpillars on his forehead!
Drake waits in the middle of the cage for Chris Brown, but there's no sight of him. Drizzy paces in waiting, his eyebrows furrowed. Still no sign. The crowd is baying in anticipation.
And then, out of nowhere, a hand rips through the center of the mat, then an arm…It's Chris Brown! He's torn through the underside of the ring and emerges in the center! He's got a 2x4 in his hand! Drake hasn't even seen him yet!
Chris swings! Drake dodges just in time and stumbles to the other side of the ring. A familiar voice rings out:
"Eyyo, eyyo. I can't watch this no mo'."
It's Lil Wayne! He's walking down the ramp with a mic in one hand and a styrofoam cup in the other. "Ya'll are two of my closest homies."
As Wayne approaches the ring, Drake and Chris Brown eye one another suspiciously. Brown drops the 2x4 as Weezy enters the cage.
"Let's all just shake hands," says Wayne. He brings the two together.
The crowd boos, this is not what they came to see. Drake tentatively reaches out his hand, and Chris takes hold. Wayne smiles.
And then Chris smacks Drake square in the head! Drake goes down! Wayne is joining-in with stomps! Dreezy had been double-crossed! Oh my lord!
Wayne takes the mic. "I used to have love for you, Dreezil Kaneezle, but Young Money can't keep up with the cost of inflation, and I don't want no Canadian dollars."
The beatdown continues. Oh the humanity! What's this?! Weezy pulls out a pair of clippers. Oh lord. It's hard to watch! They're shaving Drake's eyebrows off!
As Drake's body falls to the floor, Wayne and Chris high-five and exit the cage. They share a celebratory sip of sizzurp. The cast of Degrassi is incensed, but afraid to go near the victorious brutes.
As they walk up the ramp, a rumbling emerges. Oh my God, it's Rihanna! And she's in a tank! She speeds down the ramp and runs over both Wayne and Chris in one motion. Their squashed bodies lie strewn on the ground as the tank rolls on. For good measure, Rihanna runs over the cast of Degrassi as well before exiting the tank and running towards the injured Drake. They embrace as the credits roll.
The next day, an image of Drake appears:
Drake & Miguel becomes the Tag Team Champions
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